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Post by Solar on Feb 14, 2005 16:37:31 GMT -5
And yes, This storywriter has already begun!
Dunno how long the story will be, but I'll try to make it good! The prologue may be short, but hey, it's a beginning!
Don't forget to give critism! ;D
The tale of Ignatius.
Prologue.
A man stood in the middle of a room. It was dark, but somehow, he could see. He was sweating all over, looking from one side to the other.
The room was completely empty. Not even a chair stood in it. There were no windows, no torches, not even chains… Even chains with nasty spikes would have been a welcome decoration. For without anything, this place was worse then hell itself. Or so the man thought.
He knew what would happen to him, but that didn't make him less anxious. In fact, he became nearly paranoid, fearing every sound. Then he heard something coming to him. He yelped, and cowered. The door, on the other side of the room, opened excruciatingly slow. In the doorway stood a man, in heavy armour, followed by two others. As the poor man began to back away, the man in the doorway spoke: ‘Ignatius! You know why you are here!’ Ignatius shuddered. The voice that had spoken was cold, and stern. A voice without pity, devoid of emotion. Ignatius began grovelling before the man. ‘Please do not harm me! Please!’ The man kicked Ignatius in the face. ‘Stand up worm! You’ll be judged first! And then you may beg… Though it won’t help you!’ The man grinned sadistically, while Ignatius stood up, weeping unashamedly. He didn’t know then, that fate would have something else than he expected in store for him…<br>
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Post by Amaunator on Feb 14, 2005 16:45:45 GMT -5
well, try to make it worthwhile
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Post by Solar on Feb 14, 2005 16:54:05 GMT -5
I will mate! And you can correct it all again!
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Post by Solar on Feb 15, 2005 12:00:33 GMT -5
And here's chapter 2!
The chapters will be 1/2 pages each. I also got my other story!
Enjoy, and give critism!
Chapter 1: The unfair Judgement.
Ignatius was led to a large room, in which one large table stood, and at that table sat many men. All looked coldly at Ignatius, and he squirmed. He however received a kick in his back, and he stumbled forward. The man laughed loudly, until the most important looking man stood up. ‘That’s enough, captain. He’s here to be judged, not to be harmed.’ The man, who apparently was a captain, stepped backwards.
The man at the table turned back to the parchment in front of him, and wrote something on it. Then he turned to Ignatius again, who was trembling in fear. ‘I am the one who judges you, and I’m to inform you about your crime, and to give you your punishment…’
He sat there, still as stone, for a few moments, while Ignatius was watching the men nervously. All were waiting eagerly for what was to come. Ignatius began to sweat. He had heard of the harsh rules of their king, but he never had known, it would be so bad. He wasn’t even sure what his crime was. All he knew was that he was taken from his home by several soldiers, who had even burned down his house and destroyed his crops. Then the judge spoke again: ‘As you know, our land is under siege, by three other countries, and there’s a civil war going on.’ Ignatius knew that. People felt oppressed, and they had rebelled. Other countries immediately invaded, trying to make use of the civil war, but failed to break through. Now, the rebellion was quelled, though remnants of the rebels still remained in the south of the country. But what could that have to do with him? The judge continued: ‘All people, were therefore supposed to support our country. You, however, had given the country one pound too little food, as taxes.’ Ignatius’ mouth dropped open. One pound too little was the reason for the destruction of his home and even his fields? He already had had too little too spare! He would have died from hunger if his friends hadn’t given him some food! The judge wasn’t finished though. ‘Thus you have betrayed our country and our entire people! You are aligned with at least one of our enemies for sure! This crime is a heavy crime! Now, I’ll tell you your punishment…’
‘You are hereby punished with your death! Your betrayal will cost you your life! You will be the example for all other traitors. You are not allowed to argue about it, for if you do, you’ll immediately be brought to the torture chambers to be tortured!’ Ignatius didn’t believe his ears! For such a small reason, he would be killed! This was too much for the poor man, and he began to weep. The judge stood up, and with a wave of his hand he dismissed Ignatius, and he was led away, to his death…<br> As they passed a window, he saw some men standing around some sort of pit. Suddenly the captain leaned forward and whispered maliciously: ‘People call that the pit of death… It has many nasty bloodstained spikes, and if you don’t die immediately, it’ll go slow…’ He smiled evilly as he saw Ignatius become pale. ‘And guess what? That is going to be the spot where you die…’ Ignatius began shaking. Pleased with himself, the captain laughed silently, before he opened a door just in front of the group.
There was one bed in the room, and torches on the walls, but somehow, the other dark room suddenly seemed to be much more pleasant. And after closer inspection, Ignatius noticed there was some old blood on the sheets of the bed. The captain laughed. ‘Enjoy your last hours, fool! They won’t be very pleasant!’ And with a last laugh, he left to room, followed by the two other guards.
Hope ya liked it! ;D
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Post by Amaunator on Feb 15, 2005 12:54:32 GMT -5
Twas good, though that is a VERY weird crime , they really are harsh. Ok, some error(y) things though: "All looked coldly at Ignatius, and he squirmed. He however received a kick in his back, and he stumbled forward." -> looked..., and he squirmed received, and he stumbled If you only have two phrases you stick on each other, then you should just use 'and', the comma is negligent then, I think it's even wrong "He’s here to be judged, not to be harmed" -> striking logic , funny though, it gives you some laughs when you see that he is sentenced to death . "but he never had known, it would be so bad." -> 'he had never known', this can be erased though, or you should have: "but he never knew it would be that bad" (you can lose the comma too, use is good, but abuse isn't) or 'he had never known it would have been that bad', see the 'knew/would' or 'have known/have been'? It's important that you use the same tense, it just feels better. "be brought to the torture chambers to be tortured" -> no, really? That's not logical now is it . "a small reason" -> small, nah, not what you need. Look 'puny'/'innocent' ... decent to say the least
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Post by Solar on Feb 15, 2005 13:09:50 GMT -5
Only decent? Revenge! No new chapter soon! Well... I'll have a break now... School still exists...
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Iacobus
New Member
I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything.
Posts: 23
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Post by Iacobus on Feb 15, 2005 15:33:55 GMT -5
I'd actually say that the first two commas you mentioned belong there. They may not be useful grammatically, but the rhythm and pacing of the sentence is very important even for prose, and the two commas highlighted do improve the pacing.
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Post by Amaunator on Feb 15, 2005 15:46:38 GMT -5
If you dare to put your finger on it that it's prose, then be my guest , I'd say it's just 'literature' with a little 'l' .
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Post by Solar on Feb 15, 2005 15:54:24 GMT -5
Fight! ;D
I'll check it out... Anthow, Iacobus, would it be of any use for you if I posted my B&W story on this forum as well? Cause last time you said you couldn't read it...
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Post by The Kaiser on Feb 16, 2005 10:31:00 GMT -5
What an effective legal system! I bet they have a low crime rate!
I'm looking forward to seeing how its plays out. I'm guessing he'll escape, otherwise the tale of Ignatius will be a description of the pain that spikes puncturing your torso cause! ;D
Excellent Solar!
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Post by Amaunator on Feb 16, 2005 14:50:41 GMT -5
It's probably a bottomless pit ... so the tale is his dairy of falling .
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Post by Solar on Feb 17, 2005 14:31:26 GMT -5
Gimme post 50! Anyhow, there's a SLIGHT delay... Too busy with school for... 1 day, cause then... HOLIDAYS!
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Post by Amaunator on Mar 19, 2005 17:49:57 GMT -5
pfff, you're just lazy! (luckily, have too much work myself )
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Post by Solar on Mar 19, 2005 17:50:59 GMT -5
Hey! I got 2 stories up and running! So don't complain, 1-story-mister!
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Post by Amaunator on Mar 19, 2005 18:14:35 GMT -5
That's 'One-good-story-still-in-progress-mister', to you two-not-continued-stories-mister ;D.
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